RadioActive Rabbit Ink

Hello all, with today being Saint Patrick’s Day, I thought this would be a fun little jaunt for our detectives.  So without further ado.

Lollipop Jones & Pecan Sandie

in

The Lepre-con

Lollipop Jones and Pecan Sandie sat in their office.  March had stolen April’s showers and was dropping a steady drizzle onto the city.  The two detectives were waiting until their office hours were done so they could go get dinner.  Pecan Sandie was busy building a small cabin from sporks and sugar packets.  The hulking behemoth looked across the small office and saw Lollipop Jones with her feet propped up on her desk, her head resting on the headrest.  He knew she was asleep.  Sandie thought for a moment about waking her.  Shrugging, he went back to his utensil construction.

Lollipop snorted and a short creak was followed by a loud crash.  Pecan Sandie watched as his desk shook and the cabin collapsed in on itself.  Glancing up, he saw Lollipop jumping to her feet.  She came up in a fighting stance, looking to make sure that no one was attacking them.  Having been raised by the nuns of the Fighting Sisterhood of the Closed Fist, she often awoke fully alert, ready for an attack.  Satisfied that there was no danger, she yawned.  Opening the top drawer of her desk, she retrieved one of the round suckers and promptly popped it into her mouth.  “Still no clients?”  She asked.

Pecan shook his head as he scooped up the sporks and sugar packets and returned them to their place beside the small coffee maker. 

Lollipop watched as her partner, a mountain of muscle, deposited his building materials to their original position.  Sandie’s nickname “Pecan” came from the fact that he could crack open the nut with his bare hands.  Jones never understood why he tried to do delicate work, in all the years they had been partners, he had never been able to make a single thing.  Mainly, because she would fall asleep in her chair, topple over, and shake his desk, but that was a fact the astute detective was blissfully unaware of.  Sitting back down, the duo looked at the plastic clock on the wall.  “Ten minutes.”  Sandie stated in his gravelly manner.

Both of them would be glad to have the mundane day behind them.  Then came a knock.  Looking, both detectives watched as the door opened and shut seemingly on its own.  Loud footsteps sounded across the floor toward their desks.  Someone politely coughed to get attention.  Slowly rising, the detectives looked down and saw a short man.  He was dressed all in green with squared toe, buckled shoes on his feet.  A thin pipe was pressed between his lips and his red beard was beginning to go gray.  “Can we help you?”  Lollipop asked, looking at the diminutive figure. 

“I certainly hope so.”  The small man stated.

His face looked tired and he walked to the chair in front of Lollipop’s desk.  “As you can see I’m a. . .”

“Leprechaun.”  Pecan interrupted.

“Aye.”  The Leprechaun agreed.  “I can see you must be the brains here.”  Rolling his eyes, the man turned his attention back to Lollipop Jones.  “I’ve been robbed.”

“Robbed?”  She asked.  Despite having seen Bigfoot, ninjas, and Santa Claus, the detective was skeptical of the leprechaun.

“Do you see my pot of gold?”  He asked.  “They took it from me last night.”

“Who?”  Pecan asked.

“I don’t know I didn’t exchange niceties with them.  I’m Bailey McFists.”  He said stretching his small arm across the desktop.

“Lollipop Jones and that’s my partner Pecan Sandie.”  Lollipop introduced them.

“I’ve heard good things about you.”  Bailey stated.  “Can you help me?”

“We can look into it.”  Lollipop answered, looking at Pecan for confirmation. 

The behemoth nodded.  “Why didn’t you come here sooner?”  Pecan asked.

“I was unconscious.  It was only after I came to, that I noticed what had happened.”  Bailey explained.  “Then I came straight here.”

“Okay.”  Lollipop flipped up the top of her notepad.  “Start from the beginning.”

“I was walking past Thirteenth Avenue when this man asked me if I’d be wanting to join him for a bit of the creature.  Not wanting to be rude, I gladly accepted.  As soon as I was in the alley, they wrapped me on the head with something and grabbed me pot of gold.  Locked it up behind their big steel door.  After that, I stumbled away and must have succumbed to me head and blacked out.” After taking down the part of town that Bailey had been attached in and his address, Lollipop and Pecan put the leprechaun into the back of a cab and started their investigation. 

Their first stop was the alley where Bailey said he had been accosted.  “So what do you make of our client?”  Lollipop asked. 

Pecan shrugged. 

“Any insight at all?”  Lollipop asked, glancing at her partner. 

“He’s short.”  Pecan stated.  “Don’t know if I trust him.” 

“Well, he seems honest enough.” 

Searching the alley, they found signs of a scuffle.  Several of the trash cans had been overturned and their contents lay covering the alley.  “Several pair of footprints.”  Pecan announced.  “Lot of footprints coming from the alley.  Hard soled, square toed shoes, left most recently.” 

“Well we know who had the square toed shoes.”  Lollipop stated. 

Leaving the alley, Pecan started walking away.  Lollipop followed after him. 

“Well what now?”  She asked. 

“You know Bill Murray’s Irish.”  Pecan stated.  Lollipop knew that her partner’s fascination with the comedic genius was that of a zealot.

“Okay, I’ll bite.  How does that help us?”  She asked.

“For relaxing times, make it Suntory times.”  Pecan answered. 

“Lost in Translation!”  Lollipop exclaimed. 

Pecan put a finger to his lips and started walking.  Lollipop, not sure what was happening, followed.  At the next block, Pecan stopped in front of a graffiti tag that read Suntory Times.  “I don’t get it.”  She announced.

“This was the alley.”  Pecan explained. 

Stepping into the street, the duo saw the large steel door.  It was the third door down the alley.  “What do you think this place is?”  Lollipop asked. 

“Don’t know.”  Pecan answered.  “Doesn’t matter, gold should be on the other side of that door.”

“We’ll hope.”  Lollipop said to her partner.  “So tell me how do you know this is the door?”

“Sometimes you just have to trust in Murray.”  Pecan replied.  “So let’s go get that pot of gold.”

Lollipop popped her knuckles, as she tossed the empty sucker stick into a nearby trash can.  She quickly replaced it with another of the sugary globes in her pocket.  “Hey what are you doing?”  One of the local homeless population asked.  The dirty figure stepped from the shadows.  “This is my alley and you got to pay the toll.”

With a quick move of her hand, Lollipop had rendered the man unconscious on the ground.  Pecan frowned at her.  “Don’t worry.”  Lollipop comforted him.  “The Fighting Sisters used this technique all the time.  He’ll be out for an hour and wake up feeling great.  It’s a common technique to use before going into a battle.  Besides we need to get in here.”

Smiling, Pecan reached back for his flip up battle axe.  “I doubt you’ll need that.”  Lollipop scolded him.  “I know you like it but really this guy sucker punched a leprechaun, doesn’t sound like much of a threat.”

His smile fading, Pecan left the weapon strapped across his back.  “You’re no fun.”  He stated.  “Would you like to knock?” 

“No.  Knocking’s not really my style.”  She answered.  “Give me two minutes.”

Pecan watched as Lollipop scaled the wall of the building.  She disappeared over the edge of the roof. 

Once on the roof, Lollipop did a quick check for any sensors.  There did not seem to be much in the way of security.  Prying the grate off the ventilation system, Lollipop slid through the ducts.  She moved silently, like the air circulated through the vents, only with the ability to deliver the Uber-Death Punch and atomize all the bones within a body, but otherwise just like the air.  As she peered through the slat grates inside the building, she saw several armed men.  Guards most likely, every two bit thug had them.  There were only three of them.  The door that Pecan was waiting outside of was behind them.  A quick glance to her watch told her that she only had a few seconds to wait. 

With a powerful knock, Pecan sent the door off its hinges and onto the floor.  As the men turned their attention to the fallen door, Lollipop popped through the vent to stand behind them..  “Okay guys.  Where is it?”  Lollipop asked.

“Where’s what?”  The guard nearest her, asked.

“Pot of gold.”  Pecan growled. 

The presence of the angry, large, scary man in the room, helped rouse all three of the men into a more cooperative state.  “Over there.”  One of the men answered, pointing. 

Looking, Pecan and Lollipop saw a black lock box.  Reaching into it, Lollipop pulled up a piece of the gold.  “Nice.”  She stated.

One of the men pulled his pistol.  He was trying to aim at Lollipop.  With a roar, Pecan backhanded the man, sending him crashing through the wall into the employee bathroom.  The other two men had also drawn their own firearms.  With lighting speed, Lollipop dropped one of men.  He was clutching the shattered bones of his forearm.  The last man looked to the deadly beauty and the hulking monster in the room.  He dropped the gun and raised his arms.  “I surrender!”  He proclaimed. 

“Good call.”  Lollipop confirmed.  “So where’d you get the gold?”

“I don’t know.”  The man admitted.  “We just work here.  We guard this place.  I mean we’re security guards.”

“Then why pull the hardware?  I thought security guards were supposed to observe and report.”  Sandie asked, referring to the guns. 

“Why do you think they give us guns?”  The guard asked.  “They aren’t for decoration.

The guy looked between the two detectives, shocked.  “He’s right.”  Lollipop said.  A quick push just below his shoulder and the man collapsed.  “He won’t be doing anything for a few days.”

Pecan raised a questioning eyebrow.  “It’s just a nerve.  He won’t be able to move or talk for at least fifty-four hours.” Lollipop explained.

“We don’t know who’s behind this.”  Pecan stated.

“Yeah I know.”  Lollipop agreed, exasperated.  “We weren’t hired for that though, we found the gold.   Let’s go give it back Bailey.”

Hailing a taxi, Pecan and Lollipop exited in front of a small cottage.  “I know we’ve been by here a dozen times at least, I’ve never noticed this place.  Have you?”  Lollipop asked.

Pecan shook his head.  “We only let those we want see us.”  A leprechaun said, stepping from the front door.  He was dressed identical to Bailey but his beard was still a bright and vibrant red.  “I see you found the pot.”

“Yeah, about that. . .”  Pecan started.

“Bailey’s me father, I’m Brian McFists.  He’s getting a bit up in age, his mind isn’t wonderful these days.”  The leprechaun explained.

“Me gold!”  Bailey shouted, running from the front door to collect the black lock box from Lollipop.  “Thank you both kindly.”

Turning from the detectives, Bailey walked back into the cottage.  There was a noticeable skip in his step.  “Sorry about that.  He wandered off a few nights ago and showed up last night in a taxi.” 

“Yeah, so what really happened?”  Pecan grumbled.

“His mind’s getting weak.  Normally he finds a nearby pub, this is the first time he’s ever went farther than a few blocks and taken the gold.  It’s also the first time he’s been mugged.”  The leprechaun looked down at the ground.  “We didn’t mean to inconvenience you.  Sorry for the trouble.”

The diminutive man flicked two coins toward the detectives.  “For your trouble.”  He said, as he stepped back into the cottage. 

Each detective caught a coin.  They were gold.  Looking up, the duo was shocked to find themselves standing in front of an apartment building.  “How did . . .” Lollipop started.

“Magic.”  Pecan answered the unfinished question. 

Going to their office the next morning, they found a short bald man in a rumpled suit sitting across from their door.  “Can we help you?”  Lollipop asked.

“My goodness yes.”  The man exclaimed, scrambling to his feet.  “I’m Tim Irving, I run the gold exchange downtown.  We were burglarized last night.”

“Calm down.”  Pecan said to the excited man. 

Lollipop opened the door to their office.  “Why don’t you come in and have a seat?” 

Tim sat down in front of Pecan’s desk.  “What was taken?”  Sandie asked.

“Gold, a big case of it.  Just the gold, none of the diamonds were touched.”  He explained. 

Pecan and Lollipop were both getting a sick feeling in the pits of their stomachs. 

“Where is this gold exchange?”  Lollipop asked.

Tim gave the address and the detectives eyes locked. 

“Any guards or surveillance?”  Pecan asked.

“The two guards that are talking, can’t remember enough to be helpful and one of them is in some kind of shock.”  Tim stated.  “All our cameras are in the show room, not the lockup in the back.”

“Stay right here, we might be able to help.”  Lollipop instructed. 

Both detectives left the bewildered man in their office.  “I can’t believe it.”  Pecan growled, the veins on his neck standing out as he become angrier.

“Calm down.”  Lollipop cautioned.  “You know the rules, you’ve got to catch a Leprechaun to get its gold.  How do we get back to them?”

“Only one way to be visited by the little people.”  Pecan answered. 

Lollipop gave a questioning look at her partner.  “Follow me.”  He said, mysteriously. 

Down the street they entered an authentic Irish Pub.  “Whiskey.”  Pecan said, stepping up to the bar.  “Three bottles.” 

“What kind?”  The bartender asked.

“Irish, good stuff.”  Pecan instructed. 

Smiling, the bartender put three bottles onto the bar.  Paying, Pecan swept up the bottles and walked to Lollipop who had stayed by the door, unsure of what was happening.  “So what’s the plan, challenge them to a drinking contest?”  Lollipop asked.

“No.”  Pecan answered.  “If you’ve had enough of the “creature”, you’ll see them.  Kind of like enough Gin opens up the realm of pink elephants.”

“Yeah, that place is weird.”  Lollipop stated. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wR8FL_2gwI

“Yeah.”  Pecan said, stopping a taxi. 

Lollipop gave the cabbie the address.  Pecan pulled the cork out of the bottle and turned it up.  The amber liquid disappeared down his throat.  Amazed Lollipop watched as her partner drained the entire bottle without taking a breath.  Dropping the empty bottle onto the floor of the cab, he handed a bottle to Lollipop.  “Get started, I don’t think I can do this on my own.”  Pecan admitted. 

“Cheers.”  She said, opening the bottle. 

The strong scent hit her nostrils and made her pull back.  She knew this was going to burn going down.  Pecan was already draining the second bottle.  Closing her eyes, Lollipop put the bottle to her lips and began to drink.  Despite the smooth taste of the whiskey, Lollipop’s pallet was not prepared for the strong flavor.  She fought back the urge to cough as Pecan dropped his second bottle to the floor.  Preparing herself, Jones turned the bottle up and took several great big swallows.  She could feel the alcohol affecting her equilibrium.  A giggle escaped her lips.  Pecan took the bottle from her hands.  “Perfect.”  He said, draining the still mostly full bottle. 

For some reason she felt very giddy, another giggle escaped her lips.  The driver stopped at the address that he had been given.  Paying the man, the two detectives stumbled from the taxi. 

“Bailey!”  Brian called from the front yard. 

The other leprechaun stepped from the cottage.  “Well, look there.  It’s the muscle man and the dainty detective.  Guess they thought they’d come back and see us.”

Both of the little men started laughing.  “Well too bad for them, they’ll never find us now.”  Brian proclaimed between laughs. 

Pecan’s large hand wrapped around Brian’s throat and he lifted the leprechaun into the air, stifling the laughter in his throat.  “Faith and Begorrah!”  Bailey exclaimed.  “They’ve been at the creature.” 

“Aye!”  Brian squeaked as Pecan’s breath brought tears to his eyes. 

“Dainty!”  Lollipop shouted as she rushed towards Bailey. 

The older leprechaun stepped into the cottage and closed the door.  “He’ll be going to fetch my brothers.”  Brian said smiling.

“I’ll pull your head from your shoulders first.”  Pecan growled.

“He will.  I’ve seen him do it before.”  Lollipop said, letting loose another giggle.  “It’s terrible.”

“We caught you, give us the gold.”  Pecan demanded, tightening the pressure around Brian’s throat. 

“Ye’ve got to catch all of us.”  Bailey challenged, stepping from the cottage.  Six other leprechauns followed after him.  “Now put me boy down and I’ll let you get out of here peacefully.” 

Pecan smiled.  “Gladly.”  He said as he launched Brian McFists at the rest of his family. 

With eyes wide, the leprechauns watched as their brother hurtled towards them.  They all fell like bowling pins upon impact.  Only Bailey jumped to safety.  Pecan fell upon the little leprechaun brothers.  The few that were squirming quit with a thump to the top of their head.  Bailey tried to run but Lollipop was in his path.  “Move princess!”  He threatened.  “You don’t want to mess with a riled leprechaun.”

He tried to punch the female detective.  The leprechaun did not realize that he faced a full inductee of the Fighting Sisters of the Closed Fist.  Even inebriated, she was more than a match for this magic midget.  Blocking the punch, Lollipop slammed her fist into his jaw.  As his feet left the ground, she spun planting her foot into his soft doughy stomach.  Landing in a heap, Bailey McFists coughed and fought the urge to vomit.  “Well princess!”  Lollipop taunted.  “Give us the gold.” 

The police arrived and found Lollipop Jones and Pecan Sandie sitting on the sidewalk in front of an apartment building.  Eight little men in green suits sat beside them, chained together.  The black lock box with the gold was in front of them.  “Good work.”  Police Chief Alyssandra Mendez said.  “You’ve done it again.” 

“Thanks.”  Lollipop said, trying to keep her head from exploding.  She swore to never touch another drop of whiskey if her head would just stop hurting. 

Pecan seemed to be fine, watching as the leprechauns were loaded into a police van.  Bailey was the last one sitting beside them.  “Why’d you do it?”  Pecan asked.

“How do you think we get our gold?”  Bailey asked.  “We get someone to steal it and then we never see them again.  You know how hard it is to find a pot of gold!”

“Not so loud.”  Lollipop said.

“Fine.”  Bailey continued in a whisper. 

“Come on short stuff.”  A policeman said, leading Bailey away. 

A new car arrived and Tim Irving climbed out of the back.  “Thank you.”  He said shaking Pecan and Lollipop’s hands furiously. 

After everyone had left, Pecan and Lollipop walked back towards their office.  “You were right not to trust him.”  Lollipop stated.

“Yeah, Bill Murray might be Irish but all Irish aren’t Bill Murray, clearly.”  Pecan added.

Lollipop just groaned.

The End