Lollipop Jones & Pecan Sandie in
Bigfoot on the Run
As old man winter threw a tantrum, plunging the United States into a deep freeze, Lollipop Jones cuddled even deeper into the thick flannel blankets on her bed. The howling wind did not bother her. Raised by the warrior nuns of the Fighting Sisterhood of the Closed Fist, she had spent many nights on lonely windswept plains, with the wind whipping furiously outside. As when she was a child, she slept soundly, despite the blustery conditions. Dreams of shattered ninjas danced in the private detective’s head, when a sound penetrated the deep veil of sleep: A light tapping.
Opening her eyes, Lollipop sat up. Fully awake, she listened. The tapping was coming from outside her window. There were no tree branches that could reach her window and her bedroom was on the second floor of the building. Unhappy at having to get out of her warm bed, she slipped on her fuzzy bunny slippers and stepped onto the floor. The curtains were drawn, but a slim ray of light from the street lamp, silhouetted the drapes. Pressing her back to the wall, Lollipop used her index finger to gently lift the bottom corner of the curtain. Standing in the snow was a large creature, thick brown fur, with large snow flakes caught in it, clothed the being. The large peaked brow and giant feet let Lollipop know that Bigfoot was back in town.
Like this but in a city
Last time, Lollipop Jones and Pecan Sandie had tangled with the cryptid, the creature had run back to the forests surrounding the city. Apparently, the monkey man wanted a rematch. Reaching onto her nightstand, Lollipop grabbed her trademark sucker. The big round head hit her tongue and she savored the banana flavor, picking up her cell phone, she dialed the only contact number in her phone.
“Yeah?” The gruff voice answered.
“Pecan, Bigfoot’s outside my window.” Lollipop explained.
“On my way.” Pecan said, ending the call.
Taking two running steps, Lollipop jumped through the window. The curtains billowed out behind her as the shards of glass sparkled in the streetlight, on their way to the hard packed snow below. Bigfoot let out a startled yelp, as the lithe figure, in blue pirate pajamas and bunny slippers, descended on him. His face took on a look of awe, as Lollipop bore down on him. One slim, dangerous fist, darted out and connected with the upturned humanlike face. Dropping to the cold ground, Bigfoot fell into a fetal positon, blithering in its odd grunting manner.
Lollipop stood, fist raised, staring at the whimpering creature. She slid the sucker to the other side of her mouth. “What gives?” She asked.
Seeing that she was not going to hit him anymore, Bigfoot raised onto his knees and started making motions to accompany his strange speech. Lollipop held up a hand for the missing link to cease its prattling. “Let’s wait for my partner.” She said.
The real reason she stopped the Bigfoot was that she couldn’t understand anything it grunted, Pecan might have better luck, maybe.
Tires squealed as the black Trans Am turned the corner and slid to a halt beside the curb. The large hulking form of Pecan Sandie, stepped out of the car. Most people did not know how the mountainous man fit into the car, Lollipop joked that Pecan crushed the laws of relative dimensions like he crushed the nut of his namesake. Battle axe strapped across his back, Pecan made his way to the two beings in the wintery landscape. Ice and snow crunched under the thick fur lined boots on his feet.
“Is Bigfoot crying?” Pecan asked, looking at the kneeling creature.
“Yeah.” Lollipop confirmed. “I think he’s trying to tell me something.”
“Hmm?”
“You don’t speak Bigfoot do you?” Lollipop asked jokingly.
“Not fluently, but I might be able to make do.” Her partner responded.
Raising an eyebrow, the pajama clad warrior watched as Pecan Sandie, murderous man mountain, knelt in front of the Bigfoot and began the strangest conversation that Lollipop had ever seen.
“Ug hk ook?” Pecan started.
“Ng ot tk tk.” The Bigfoot responded.
“Tk ung hrg.”
“Ur Mmm ok gn.”
“Okay.” Pecan said standing up. “Somebody ran him out of his nest in the forest. He wants us to help him.”
“Two questions.” Lollipop responded. “One, when did you learn Bigfoot and two, who ran him off?”
“I’ve been taking a class online.” Pecan answered. “Men with guns scared him.”
“What kind of men?”
Turning back to Bigfoot, Pecan asked the question. After a series of strange grunts, he had his answer. “Dirty men who smelled.” Pecan passed the information onto his partner.
“Fine.” Lollipop said. “You stay here with him, I need to put on real clothes if I’m going into the woods. Besides, I’ll need more lollies.”
As she reached the door to her apartment building, Lollipop had another question for the cryptid to answer. “Hey!” She shouted, getting Pecan’s attention. “Ask him why he was staring at me like that?”
Pecan gave a puzzled look, shrugged, and turned to the furry creature.
Dressing in a thick down camouflage jacket, jeans, and hiking boots, Lollipop Jones put five of her suckers in her jacket pocket and stepped back out into the cold night. “Well?” She asked approaching Pecan and Bigfoot.
“When you jumped out the window, he thought he accidentally woke up Batman. He’s a fan.” Pecan explained.
Lollipop leaned around the broad chest of her friend to glare at the creature. Seeing her, Bigfoot gave a toothy grin, revealing his yellowed teeth, and shrugged. “I can’t believe that Bigfoot is a Batman fan.” She stated, as she walked through the snow to the garage.
Who isn’t a fan?
“Do you know anyone who isn’t a Batman fan?” Pecan asked.
Lollipop stopped for a minute and considered the question. “Maybe Batman himself.” She offered.
“There’s only one person awesome enough for Batman to be a fan of them.” Pecan retorted.
“Who?” Lollipop asked as she raised the metal door of the parking structure.
“Bill Murray.” Pecan answered.
Lollipop should have seen that coming, her partners love for the comedic actor bordered on fanaticism. Walking in the garage, Lollipop climbed into the cab of her truck. Turning the key, she let the large V10 engine roar to life. The fog lights cut through the winter gloom easily. Pulling onto the driveway, Lollipop waited as Pecan opened the passenger door and climbed inside. The large Super Crew Cab afforded four doors and plenty of room for anyone in the back seat. When the door behind Pecan opened and Bigfoot started to pull his large bulk into the cab, Lollipop almost lunged across the truck. “No!” She shouted. “You ride in back.”
“Come on Jones.” Pecan said. “It’s too cold for that, besides he’ll have to show us where these dirty men with guns are.”
Lollipop gave a cold stare at her partner. “He better not have any accidents in my truck.” She said icily.
“Un nk pfft!” Pecan said.
The Bigfoot responded in the same language and climbed in. “What did he say?” Lollipop asked, staring straight ahead into the dark.
“He went in the snow when you came through the window.” Pecan answered.
“Lovely.” Lollipop answered, as she stepped onto the gas.
As they left the city, the large truck followed the hidden road into the forest. Driving further into the dark of the woods, the detective duo expected an ambush. Leaning between the passenger and driver seats, Bigfoot pointed and grunted at a barely discernible hunting trail to their left. “Think she can make it?” Pecan asked.
Lollipop stared at the thin trail, surrounded on both sides by trees. “Too narrow.” She stated. “Looks like we walk.”
Biting down, she crushed the little bit of sucker still on the stick and put it in ashtray. An ashtray which resembled a graveyard of lollipop handles. Pulling a fresh one from her pocket, Lollipop stuck the candy in her mouth before opening the door. Bigfoot was waiting by the trail as Lollipop crossed in front of the truck. “Uh uh.” The Sasquatch grunted as he started up the trail.
“He’s in a hurry.” Pecan explained.
“You realize these guys that ran him off have guns.” Lollipop stated.
“So?”
“Did you ever think that we should start carrying guns? I mean, it’s not like either of us are bulletproof.”
“Naw.” Pecan answered. “It wouldn’t be any fun with guns. Besides Bill Murray wouldn’t use a gun.”
“No, he had a proton pack.” Lollipop retorted.
“I’d use a proton pack.” Pecan agreed. “Know where we can get one?”
Lollipop shook her head, laughing, as she followed the large land ape (Bigfoot not Pecan). As they made their way along the trail, the ground became slightly rockier. Ahead of them a floodlight was shining within a cave. Bigfoot ducked down behind a tree. “Guess this is the place.” Lollipop said.
“Yup.” Pecan responded, as he took his axe from his back and unfolded the menacing weapon.
Crouching behind a small group of pine trees, the detectives looked around through the snow. They could see several men walking a very loose perimeter. Each of the men carried an assault rifle. “Quiet or loud?” Pecan asked.
“Let me see if I can get some of them.” Lollipop answered. “Once they know I’m there, you can come in doing your impression of a bull in a china shop.”
“You get to have all the fun.” Pecan said.
“Not all the fun, you get your fair share of the action.” Jones retorted.
“Go on, watch out for the guy standing a few trees in front of Bigfoot.” Pecan warned.
“He’s my first stop.” Lollipop grinned as she drifted through the trees, silent and deadly, like a natural gas leak.
Moving up behind the guard, Lollipop considered her options. The Uber-Death Punch, the greatest technique of the Fighting Sisters, was extremely efficient but far from quiet; so she decided not to use it. Looking at the guard’s body language, Lollipop determined a way to silence the guard and make sure he was no longer a threat without killing him. With a quick open handed chop to the third vertebrae, the man lost his ability to speak or even cry out. Kicking the back of his knee, Lollipop brought him into a kneeling position. Shoving him forward into the snow, Lollipop put pressure on the small of his back, until she felt his body go limp. A favorite activity of the Fighting Sisters was to put guards to sleep, so they would be confused when they woke up to the chaos of the aftermath. Who says warrior nuns don’t have a sense of humor?
The next two guards were following a clear worn rut, in the ice and snow, accumulated on the ground. They would prove more difficult. Standing over the sleeping guard, Lollipop tried to mimic his body language. If she could make the others think she was the downed man, then it would be easier. As the two guards passed each other and moved past their line of sight with Lollipop, she made her way behind one of the guards. There was a small tapping sound coming from the man. Squinting in the dark, Lollipop saw small pebbles being tossed over the man’s shoulder. Hurrying, she got behind him in between pebbles. As she drew back to make her strike, someone shouted from within the cave. All the guards turned toward the sound, even the one Lollipop was behind. His eyes grew large, when he saw her. Squeezing the trigger of his rifle, he was able to get a short burst off. The muzzle was not even close to Lollipop, but she had been discovered. With a quick kick to the side of the head, Lollipop sent the guard down into the snow.
Cries of alarm rose from the other guards. Someone fired, the wintry mix on the ground exploded upwards as the bullets struck. Running back toward the trees, the detective saw the closest gunman. Pulling the lollipop from her mouth, she glanced at it for a moment and then hurled it backwards. As the man stumbled back, his nearest cohorts saw the thin white stick of a sucker protruding from his forehead. He fell into the snow. Grabbing another lolli from her pocket, Jones quickly stuffed the sugary treat into her mouth as she slid behind the nearest trees.
“Where’s Pecan?” Lollipop grumbled, expecting her mammoth partner to be tearing through the guards.
From beside her, Bigfoot pointed up. She had no time for the cryptid’s games. As the guards gathered together, they cautiously approached the trees where Lollipop and Bigfoot took refuge. Several branches snapped from overhead and something large landed in front of the men. Standing up, Pecan let out a battle cry that echoed deep into the woods. With his wide shoulders and gleaming battleaxe in hand, he was a truly frightening sight. So much that the men turned and fled into the trees, some even dropping their guns as they ran. Pecan looked around at the fleeing men. “That was no fun.” He stated, disappointment clear in his voice.
“Sorry.” Jones said, patting him on the shoulder. “Maybe the guy in the cave will be more fun.”
A smile broke across Pecan’s chiseled face. “Let’s go then.”
“You coming?” Lollipop asked Bigfoot.
Hesitantly, the creature followed several steps behind the detectives.
Entering the cave, they saw a man in a black suit sitting in a leather armchair. The interior of the cave was decorated nicely with oak and leather furniture, a bar adorned the back corner. The man before them was a Native American. “We had a deal.” He said coolly.
“We’ve never seen you before.” Pecan responded, confused.
“Not you, him.” The man said pointing past them.
Bigfoot just stared at the floor sheepishly. “You know him?” Lollipop asked.
“Yeah, he comes to my casino at least once a month. Jim Walks Like Snake, I’m the manager at the Golden Tomahawk Casino.” The man said introducing himself. “And this guy agreed to put on several shows for me.”
“He entertains?” Pecan asked, glancing back at Bigfoot.
“Well, uh, you see the thing about that is. . .” Bigfoot started.
“You can impersonate Robin Williams?!” Lollipop asked astounded.
“Perfectly.” Jim Walks Like Snake said. “That was how he came to our attention. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. One of our security guys informed me we had a celebrity. A celebrity with a gambling problem.”
All three of the humans were glaring at the cryptid. Bigfoot simply shrugged. “So we made him a deal. We’d erase his debt provided he performed three shows for us. First show was yesterday and he didn’t show.”
“Un fg tk.” Bigfoot said.
“He forgot.” Pecan translated.
“Well you owe me a show tonight and for the next two nights. Can you remember that?” Jim asked.
Bigfoot nodded heartily. “Good. You two are quite the impressive pair.” The casino manager said to the detectives. “If you ever want to earn some money on the side, I could always use security on the weekend.”
He handed a business card to the detectives and walked out of the cave. Lollipop spent the next few hours yelling at Bigfoot for waking her for nothing. Finally, as the sun started to crest above the horizon, the detectives made their way back through the forest to the truck.
After performing his three shows, Jim knowing Bigfoot was a Batman fan, because everyone is, gave the cryptid a set of several Batman shirts. Bigfoot was free to roam the forest in his Batman apparel, while getting help for his gambling addiction. While Pecan Sandie and Lollipop Jones sent him an invoice for their services and the cost of the window that Lollipop had leapt through.
One satisfied Sasquatch
THE END
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